Sunday, April 16, 2006

How to Guide for Women in Social Situations... a Farce Comedy

In modern times such as these, it has never been more important for a woman to follow simple rules of behavior. Otherwise she is just setting herself up for the harassment and violation she so justly deserves in breaking these rules.

1. A lady should never be dressed in less then two layers of clothing. Before going to a mixed sex event, a woman needs to not only wear a large set of underpants and a Teflon bra, but also make sure that she wears enough clothes over them that no trace of said undergarments peek out. Any other dress code and the woman is just asking for what she gets.

2. A lady should never talk about subjects that may be construed as teasing or flirtatious. She must be careful to never say anything provocative. Men must be allowed to take the lead in social situations, and ladies should not speak unless spoken to.

3. Ladies should always stick together. If a situation arises where one lady needs to go the powder room, the others should accompany her. This prevents any of the women present from being left in a precarious position. It also allows the other females present the opportunity to make sure that one of their flock is not behaving inappropriately and to chastise them if needed.

4. Ladies should not consume alcoholic beverages in the company of strange men. This can cause certain unladylike behaviors that are just not acceptable such as dancing or touching. If a woman wishes to have a demon drink, she should be accompanied by a male chaperone she knows who can monitor her consumption.

5. A lady should never go to a social event where she may not know other people. Doing so may cause her to look unladylike. Men at the event may think her to be of a sexual nature because she is alone and speaking to them in a smiling, happy manner.

6. Never be the last lady standing. When all the other ladies leave, you must leave as well or men will think you are fair game for their sexual predatory natures.

Rules to live by!


Carl said...

Hmmmmm, I have only one rule and it applies to both sexes: Always carry a good sharp knife. Now, hear me out. You can get a good legal knife that can fold up and be right there handy in your pocket. Get the kind that you can flip out the blade with the flick of a wrist. In a situation gone bad, it's a sign of no negotiation and that the other person will get hurt. And if you are feeling intimidated, casually put it out (I mean, not in a nice restaurant and such) and use it to say, open a letter infront of the bruiser. I'm armed you are telling the person, beware. And if push comes to shove, a non-friendly poke with the tip says way more then "stop it buddy". I'm a big guy and usually don't need anything like this, but, I've had macho punks (usually in 3 or more) try to puff themselves and intimidate the "big dumb guy wearing the comic book shirt" and I decided to take out my wicked 5 inch blade and clean my nails while I looked at them. Kind of put them off, not sure why. Oh well, perhaps I've scared people here and that's the point. You have to show predators and bullies that if the jump, you will bite and make them sorry. I hate that the world is like this, but that is what I am teaching my girls...

Heidi Meeley said...

Carl, I know what you mean. Growing up, my dad taught my sister and I the "nuts and nose" maneuver to protect ourselves! He said if you get a guy in the nose and slam him in the "ahem" jewels, he will fold like a cheap suit, no matter how big he is.

Oh yeah, he also taught us to use castrating equipment, but that's another story!

It is a sad commentary on today's society that we have to go to such extremes to be safe. I am glad that as a dad you are so caring for your daughter's well being.